How to set up a safe and magnetic dynamic while dating and in the first stages of a new relationship
So here we are having been committed to working on ourselves and becoming our best and most magnetic selves in order to call in an extraordinary love and relationship. We begin dating and putting ourselves out there. Perhaps we meet someone we like and are attracted to, and start to explore relationship. But how do we stay open and magnetic during this time?
This is a time of uncertainty. We don't know what's going to happen and can feel a lack of control. We haven't yet established a connection in the relationship or a knowing that both people would like to make a deeper commitment. So we find ourselves in an uncertain and vulnerable place. This can bring up all of our fears, doubts and old beliefs.
We need to stay centered, open and rooted in our radiance. We do this by realizing that the other person is NOT the source of love fulfilled in our lives. WE are the source, and our capacity to trust in our own ability to magnetize great love towards us and to trust in the goodness of life and that all of life supports us to have the love we desire.
It doesn't work to try to feel safe by waiting for the other person to make a commitment to us. Rather we need to generate our own safety. We often try to solidify the bond and connection early on, rather than allow the relationship to move naturally into deeper levels of connection and intimacy. One way we may do this is to initiate sex or give in to the other person initiating sex too early, rather than allowing sex to be an expression of care and a bond that is already established. We need to be able to assess whether there is a deep enough connection and whether there is enough consistency in the connection before having sex. In other words, we want to have a safe container in place.
The absence of this safe container makes us crazy! For example: We have sex and then the other person doesn't call. We don't know what to do, we feel deeply unsafe and bad about ourselves or mad at the other person. The truth is that we didn't set the relationship up in way to have us feel safe. We are responsible for our own safety, not the other person.
We may often dismiss this need to feel safe, fearing that we're too needy to want these deeper levels of connection and to want this mutuality and shared agreement and so we override our own feelings and knowing.
So what is this safe container? It is a sense of emotional connection and intimacy. It comes with consistency and knowing what the other person wants in life. Having shared values and vision. Also, when it comes to sex, knowing what sex means to each of you and what each of you are looking for.
So we create a dynamic in the relationship where we can shine our magnetic energy right from the beginning.We start to create this safe container by looking for consistency in the connection and by slowly showing vulnerability. Vulnerability causes the deep connection we would like, there is no way to become intimate without showing vulnerability. Vulnerability is about revealing our inner experience of life.
For example: let’s say we are having a conversation about hiking. The external experience of hiking is the who, what, where etc. "Where do you go hiking, who with, where?"
The inner experience might be: "I love the freedom of the mountains and the glorious view when I reach the top makes me feel alive!"
We then start to notice how the person responds and whether they are able to match our vulnerability by revealing something of their inner experience.
A possible match will get excited and lit up by what we are revealing and we will feel a sense of connection. If the person doesn't respond, we may want to try again at a minor level of vulnerability like the example. However, the idea is not to keep making ourselves more and more vulnerable if someone is not responding.
Rather, in going at this sort of pace, we will very quickly be able to discern whether someone is a good match for us without wasting a lot of time or investing ourselves. When someone does respond and is lit up by what we are revealing, we feel alive, free and start to experience the sort of connection we are yearning for.
- Realize that the other person is not the source of our safety – WE are
- Look for consistency in how the other person responds
- Engage if you notice inconsistency rather than skip over it
- Generate your own safety
- Ask questions right at the beginning about the person's values, vision
- Share your values and vision and notice the person's response
- Know what sex means to each of you beforehand
- Avoid using sex to solidify a bond and connection
- Show vulnerability by taking small steps to reveal your inner experiences, notice how the other person responds and matches you
- Know and express your authentic needs and desires
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