Expressing Your Needs and Desires In Ways that Inspire Others to Fulfill Them
November 21, 2013
How often do we skip over our own needs and desires for fear that they won't be met? As part of our commitment and intention to call in great love into our lives, we need to learn to express our needs and desires and present them in ways that enroll others to fulfill them.

So often in our relationships, both romantic and otherwise, we lose out on deepened love and connection because we make meaning out of what someone does or doesn't do. We make it mean something about us, or something about them. We make all sorts of assumptions and draw all sorts of conclusions. We decide that someone is wrong and that we are right or vice versa. We start assuming we know the other person's perspective. We may either go in with guns blazing to confront the other person, blaming and shaming them and telling them their perspective, or we completely disengage, disconnect and withdraw. We expect others to magically know what we need and then make them wrong or draw a conclusion when they don't.

In doing these things we shut down any possibility for deepened love and connection. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity to receive the support we need and we deprive others of giving it to us. We miss out on the opportunity for deepened love, connection and intimacy that comes with authentically expressing and asking for what we need and desire.

When we realize that no-one can be expected to automatically know what we need and that most people would probably be only too happy to give to us if only we asked, a whole new world of love opens up to us.

First we want to become connected to our own needs and desires and then we start to become aware of our automatic reactions to people and consciously choose a different response. We choose to engage and realize that we may need more information before making a decision or we may need to set up a conversation with the person to ask for what we need in ways that inspire and enroll them to give to us. We realize that while most people would only be too happy to support us if only we asked, there are those who won’t be willing or able to give us what we need, which gives us information for us then to make a decision and choice in how we proceed with the relationship.

Below are some pointers in how to best engage another person to inspire and enroll them in giving you what you need:

1. Appreciation: think of something you appreciate about the other person and express it.

2. Set an intention for the conversation: for example: "My intention for this conversation is for us to feel closer and more connected"

3. Take responsibility for what you see about yourself: For example: "Up until now I have been avoiding telling you the truth because I was afraid you would be angry with me" or "I have been saying this is ok with me when actually it's not"

4. Say what you see in the dynamic: without blaming or shaming the other person, just state your own experience and perspective

5. Ask them what is going on for them: create a welcoming, curious space for them to tell you their perspective. Really listen and acknowledge

6. Ask for what you need: For example: "I need my limits and boundaries to be respected and I am committed to letting you know what they are" or "I feel that I do most of the giving, I need for us to have a healthy balance of giving and receiving in our relationship"

7. Ask if they are willing to give you what you need

8. Ask if there is anything they need from you

9. Come to new agreement between you

10. Acknowledge and appreciate them for their time and willingness to engage the conversation

Navigating Challenging Conversations

If at any time the conversation becomes abusive, know that you can say "I will need to put the phone down/walk away if you continue to abuse me."

Part of learning, growing and evolving is realizing that not everyone is able or willing to give us what we need and there may be some relationships that we need to let go. However, there are many people who would happily give us what we need if only we would ask.

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